There was something different about this year. Actually, who am I kidding? It’s exactly the same… It was December 25th again, that day that we all had to clean up the mess where Santa the basturd had avoided breaking and entering charges due to lack of evidence AGAIN. Apparently 4.4 billion eye witnesses don’t count for anything these days.
After putting out the broken glass and empty shotgun cartridges in the bin, I sat down at my computer as I do every year and start browsing the internet. I do the same thing I always do within the first 5 minutes and that’s end up with 5-10 browser windows open, most of which still on the home page. I’m not sure why this happens, it’s just a bad habbit I guess. But wait… something is different this year… My computer just shut down?? Why?… I didn’t know, this hadn’t happened before… I never pressed the power button or the shutdown button on the OS… Something was wrong, to be honest I was frightened, and Beckie was almost hysterical at this point. We quickly pulled the power out of the computer and headed for the lounge… The only thing we could think of was to turn on the news, see if this horrific act had been happening to anyone else??? Had it? It couldn’t happen? It must have just been a one off… But then the reports started flooding in. The BBC reporter looked more worried than usual, ‘technical problems’ were normal for the BBC, but this time, it was worse. Most of their fake studio had vanished due to system’s failure, the busy crowded news room you usually see in the background was empty, infact it wasn’t a news room at all… it was a warehouse and they’re shipping out Kirby’s?? Although this was all disturbing, a part deep down inside of us already knew that this was most likely the case, but the more pressing matter was that computers were shutting down all over the world…without user interaction…
BANG BANG, GENERIC WOBBLE NOISE
“Jesus Christ Mary and St Joseph!! – What the hell was that?” – I exclaimed various well known Christian bible action figure names…
Beckie and I stood to attention, both deciding if we should go upstairs to find out what the noise was. A part of us already knew what it was. It was coming from the computer room… How could that be though. Gary the cat was downstairs, he couldn’t be fucking things up… no. This was far more sinister affair. We went and grabbed a kitchen knife each. Though we didn’t have a bread knife, as our friend Sam had recently pointed out… Anyway, we lurked slowly up the stairs, the office was in sight, we peered around the corner like slightly deranged hunters… Gary who had no fear just strutted into the room without a care in the world. I shouted “Gary Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!”, he continued as if he didn’t hear me, then again the recent animal abuse we had practiced may have caused temporary hearing loss… We looked at Gary, fearful for his safety or the horrible blood stain he might leave on the carpet if he died – but the computer had now taken our attention. It was rocking violently side to side, the power was back in again, how was this possible? For the moment though, this didn’t matter. The more important situation we had was, how can we kill it? Knives Vs Computer are -5 effectiveness, and have romoured to actually give the computers more HP, Beckie and I discussed our strategy and possible dice throw outcomes then *BANG* – the Computer had flown violently through the air, spinning at quite a rate, ‘splatting’ Gary the cat against the floor, blood dripped slowly through the small gap between the blood stained, cold steel murderer and the floor. Gary was dead – we didn’t care as we didn’t like him much anyway. I lunged with my knife at the sadistic killing machine, but it just ricocheted off the hard exterior and embedded into the wall. By now the cold killer had retaliated, it was on top of me, crushing my wind pipe.
* A STRUGGLE ENSUED *
But then, when I had almost passed out, Beckie saved the day. She identified the machines weak point, the power cable, and but it with the knife. The knife was solid metal though, and 240 Volts of electricity rushed up her arm enraging her with more passionate lust to kill IT. It shut off… It was down, for now. I had a brief moment to get myself together, and we rushed down the stairs and shut off the power. We were plunged into darkness… We had a small battery radio which picked up “talking voices” – we hadn’t used such primitive technology before but what the DJ said will stay with me forever…
“Hi Everybody, it’s CHRRISSTMAS DAY! Computers – whatever they are, are literally destroooying the world! Yikes!” – Generic DJ Voice similar to Tony Blackburn – Former Radio 1 DJ and television personality.
- Hope you have a crap Christmas – WUUP!
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